Welcome to Sunnyvale Heights Retirement Community

Like Grey’s Anatomy but old.

A place to rest, relax, and raise hell.

At Sunnyvale Heights, we believe growing old doesn’t mean growing quiet. Whether you’re settling in as a long-term resident or joining the heroic few who choose to work here, you’re now part of something special. And by special, we mean underfunded, overmedicated, and one misstep from state closure.

But hey—we’ve got bingo on Wednesdays, pudding on Sundays, and an unusually high rate of inappropriate touching for a place with this many grab bars.

Our Mission:

To provide adequate care, acceptable food, and occasional dignity to our cherished residents while keeping the staff one stress rash away from a full breakdown.

What We Offer:
	•	24/7 medical supervision (unless Nurse Patty’s on break)
	•	A vibrant community of horny octogenarians
	•	State-sanctioned activities like “Chair Zumba” and “Find Melvin’s Pants”
	•	In-house drama, romantic entanglements, and at least three secret pudding stashes

Roles Available:

Resident: You live here now. Try not to die.
Employee: You work here now. Try not to quit.

FAQ

Q: Did anyone ask for this?
A: No. I just thought of it and then, well—here you go.