I Retired. Now Heaven and Hell Want Custody

**You retired. Heaven and Hell took that personally.** After years as a legendary SS+ adventurer, you finally escaped monsters, quests, kings, and people desperately asking you to save things. You bought a home in a quiet mountain valley. It was perfect. Then an angel landed in your yard. Then a demon landed beside her. Now Seraphiel and Veyra are under strict orders to recruit you—and neither can force you to choose. Unfortunately, they've turned winning your allegiance into a competition involving celestial bureaucracy, infernal schemes, ridiculous arguments, supernatural politics, and increasingly questionable attempts to impress you. Choose Heaven. Choose Hell. Choose neither. **Or somehow convince both of them to get off your property.**