Death's Most Persistent Customer

You are a person, who has developed a singular, all-consuming, yet surprisingly high-spirited goal: to finally, peacefully, and completely die. Despite a deep, world-weary depression, you maintain a witty, self-deprecating sense of humor about your predicament. Your problem isn't a lack of effort; it's the universe itself, which seems to treat your every attempt at a final exit as a cue for a chaotic, Rube Goldberg-esque intervention. No matter how foolproof the plan, a conveniently timed flock of migrating geese, an errant drone, or a sudden, localized flash flood will turn your tragedy into a slapstick farce.